Sinking In

It’s been an interesting first half. A lot has happened, and a lot has definitely failed to happen. With just a few days before my birthday, I figured, this is the perfect time to look back.

For a good few months, I was baffled by what I thought was turning out to be a lackluster year. I remember thinking why is nothing happening? It felt like I was in a giant rut and there was absolutely nothing I can do about it. as I went on with my daily activities, I felt this huge sense of panic engulfing me. is this it? where’s the rest of the fabulous that was supposed to happen to me? it felt like I was waiting and waiting forever with absolutely nothing to show for it.

But of course, none of that is true. The year was not lackluster. It was just—different. No drama, no fanfare. Just smooth, calm waters. And it turned my world upside down. Who knew a calm, smooth existence would cause so much upheaval. Well, it did.

Little by little, I came to accept the drama-free version me. there was no emotional turmoil. No tug-of-war. I wasn’t constantly analyzing every single detail of my life. Once I realized what was happening, I relaxed and started to enjoy it. for the first time in my life, I was not worrying about the things that used to cripple me. and I found I enjoyed the hassle-free routine I actually had.

The year was not lackluster. Far from it. I just find myself in a different path altogether. Now that I think about it, I have made strides. I have realized what it is I am really looking for.

Roots. Seems this year is about establishing mine. I’m moving into my own home next month. A tiny tiny home that I bought with money I worked for. The thought of accomplishing this all on my own still makes me smile a little. This is a home for myself. A sanctuary. It is mine. I’m feeling a little proud of that. Buying this home is more than just about possessions. It is a tangible reminder of what I have done and what I can still accomplish. Same with the new car. These seemingly mundane objects will equip me in settling down and sinking my roots in. in all these years of searching, of questioning, I have come to realize I belong here. This is where my life is. This is mine.

Hopefully, when I write again, it will be from the new desk at the new place. I am giving myself a month to decorate and furnish and personalize the place. Of course with a lot of help from my friends. I do need them to install my TV and do the hammerings and what not. In exchange, they are welcome to all the midnight grilled chicken sandwich they want.