Inventing Memory*

Growing Pains

2012-01-28T13:31:00.002+08:00

I feelyour hurt and I am so so sorry this is a difficult time for you. I wish therewas some magical way to make it all disappear. I hate seeing you broken. I am alittle fearful of your anger. I hate that I am powerless to make it all better.

I meantwhat I said, you are not an ugly person. I know you want to lash out but thatis not you. Sure, the arrogance is expected of you, that is what you’re knownfor, after all. But this is me remember? I know you. I know you are not thisperson. I know how much this frustrates you. It frustrates me, too. but it’s noreason to get ugly.

I wishyou didn’t have to hurt this much. I’d do anything to take away that look ofpain in your eyes last night. But maybe this is for the best. We all need togrow up at some point.

The thoughtof you moving away tears me apart. I’ve had people move away before. It’s beena regular occurrence with those I care about. I’m used to it. But hearing youtalk of the possibility last night filled me with an unfamiliar sense of dreadand desperation. I want you right here, close to me, near me, within reach. Sureit’s just an hour and a half drive away, but still. I’ll never tell you of thispanic, of this sense of loss, because I want the best for you. Nothing but thebest. Maybe this move is it. You owe yourself that chance. We’ll make do. We’llfind a way, even if it means settling for a McDonald’s somewhere along theexpressway.

You haveme in all of this, I assure you. You’ve taken the first step. You’ve finally realizedyour worth. Take it from there. I can’t begin to tell you just how pricelessyou are. Know that it will get better. I promise you that.

Bookworm

2012-01-26T11:44:00.001+08:00

I’m a bookworm. Always have been. A friend of mine reminded us of the silly competitions we had growing up, from having the niftiest multi-buttoned pencil cases to checking out the most books from the library. I remember those times. And I remember that particular library. He said the contest was to get the most books checked out. No one bothered reading the books. But I don’t remember checking out books just for the sake of checking them out. I actually read them.

My dad encouraged all of his five kids to read. Of the five, I was the most voracious reader. I read everything I could get my hands on, from Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys to Choose Your Own Adventure. I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull when I was 8. By the time I was ten, I knew who Chet Morton and I wanted my very own Ned Nickerson. I also wanted to be friends with the Wakefield twins and attend the junior prom with them.

I never outgrew reading. All through high school and college I would always have a book handy. i didn’t see anything wrong with skipping lunch to save money just so I could buy a new novel. And I went through books fast. I would read on average three a week. I cried, I laughed, I got angry with the characters. I lived and breathed fiction. And I was never picky. I read everything from Erica Jong to Michael Crichton to one hit wonders on the bestsellers lists. I wanted them all. Of course I had favorites that I would reread and reread but I always have this half smile when I pick up a previously unexplored author, anticipating his or her words to fill my head with imagery.

My taste in fiction also tended to mirror my moods. When I was a pimply, angsty teenager, I favored dark, gothic, brooding novels. Anne Rice was a staple all throughout high school. In college, I experimented with other pulp authors. I loved Robin Cook. Michael Crichton was another favorite. As was John Grisham.

It was also in college that I started reading the “cool authors”, writers who were critically acclaimed to have singlehandedly changed the way a generation thought. I thought I had to, after all, I went to the University of the Philippines and we scoff at those who could not go beyond what was easy. I even picked up Kundera’s Unbearable Lightness of Being, only to discover his Lightness only led to an unusual heaviness in my eyelids. It was then that I realized my taste in fiction was unapologetically pop. Accepting that I liked bubblegum fiction best was liberating.

Through the years I have lost count of the number of books I have read. I used to suffer from severe rhinitis because of the dust collecting on my books. I’ve thrown and given away more books to make room for other things in my bedroom only to buy more books in the end. With the handy ebook readers available these days, I have solved those health and space issues.

All my life, I have been a lot of things. I have been a lawyer, a dreamer, a runner, a slut, a fighter. But throughout all those reinventions and reincarnations, I will always be that little geeky girl with her nose in a book, images and words flowing through her head.

2012-01-24T15:40:00.001+08:00

im in a weird mood today. I'd like to think it's sting's fault but i suspect it goes deeper than that.

...

2012-01-17T08:09:00.000+08:00

how do you fix something that feels irretrievably broken? i don't know what else there is to do.

2012-01-03T16:19:00.000+08:00

I've missed my girls. Alot. I grew up with these women. They know my childhood dreams and fantasies. They bore witness to my struggles and triumphs. They have always been there. I've been blessed to welcome yet another year with these women whom i hold very very dear to my heart.

ugg

2011-08-09T15:10:00.000+08:00

Something has been bugging for the past few days. It seems I have been bitchy, catty, and totally apathetic to other people’s plight. I know I have never been patient with stupid but seems like it’s not just stupid I have a problem with these days. Whatever patience I had is now gone. i’m snappy and I seem to be snide a lot of times. I even caught myself snapping at a streetkid asking for my coffee the other day. Holy mess. A kid. I was snapping at a kid. Granted he was trying to look up my skirt but that didn’t give me a license to bitch out. He was just a kid.

and if I could do that to a streetkid, imagine what I did when a telemarketer chanced upon me hurrying to beat a deadline. A faceless, almost androgynous anonymous voice. It was like he/she was begging for me to bitch out. And sadly, I did. Never liked marketers but it’s no excuse to make anyone feel bad about their careers, about their lives. It was just wrong.

Have I become evil? Am I just another sad, bitter, nasty witch looking for her next victim? I used to be pleasant. I used to have a good word for everyone. It’s starting to feel like I’m cursing everyday, that everyone’s a pest for even deigning to infect me with their stupid. Like I haven’t been stupid. Like I didn’t run around shirtless and screaming because somehow a tiny flying cockroach found its way into my room. Like I didn’t boil a jugful of water to fling at the roach in a futile effort to kill it.

I need to change. I can’t be this ugly biting wench all the time. I know where all this ugliness is coming from. I know but I refuse to acknowledge it. maybe if I did it will make it easier for me to let it go. All I know is this is not me. I can’t be. I don’t want it to be.

Fingers Crossed

2011-08-09T08:54:00.001+08:00

So I still have not moved in. it may look like I am procrastinating to some (and yes, I mean YOU), it is really about prioritizing. Right now, I need to do something I should have done years ago. The new home will have to wait. First I have to do this other thing. I will never be at ease with myself knowing there was something I could have done. After this, maybe I can go back to sinking roots.

This is not an apology to you. I know you will understand why I seem to be putting my life on hold. I set out to do this thing years ago. And now, there is a chance I might actually be able to do it. Not for him, but for myself.

Maybe in two months you can finally sleepover in my own pad. But for now, I’m giving in to the nomad you never really quite understood. This is a good thing. You’ll see. So please cross your fingers for me.

....

2011-07-10T08:52:00.002+08:00

You changed me. It's as simple as that. The leaps i made, i made with you. As insignificant as they may seem, as benign as they may appear, they remain giant leaps in my book. All because you knew i was destined for bigger, brighter things. You saw it even before i believed it to be possible. Thank you.

Sent from my iPhone

Sinking In

2011-07-08T10:04:00.000+08:00

It’s been an interesting first half. A lot has happened, and a lot has definitely failed to happen. With just a few days before my birthday, I figured, this is the perfect time to look back.

For a good few months, I was baffled by what I thought was turning out to be a lackluster year. I remember thinking why is nothing happening? It felt like I was in a giant rut and there was absolutely nothing I can do about it. as I went on with my daily activities, I felt this huge sense of panic engulfing me. is this it? where’s the rest of the fabulous that was supposed to happen to me? it felt like I was waiting and waiting forever with absolutely nothing to show for it.

But of course, none of that is true. The year was not lackluster. It was just—different. No drama, no fanfare. Just smooth, calm waters. And it turned my world upside down. Who knew a calm, smooth existence would cause so much upheaval. Well, it did.

Little by little, I came to accept the drama-free version me. there was no emotional turmoil. No tug-of-war. I wasn’t constantly analyzing every single detail of my life. Once I realized what was happening, I relaxed and started to enjoy it. for the first time in my life, I was not worrying about the things that used to cripple me. and I found I enjoyed the hassle-free routine I actually had.

The year was not lackluster. Far from it. I just find myself in a different path altogether. Now that I think about it, I have made strides. I have realized what it is I am really looking for.

Roots. Seems this year is about establishing mine. I’m moving into my own home next month. A tiny tiny home that I bought with money I worked for. The thought of accomplishing this all on my own still makes me smile a little. This is a home for myself. A sanctuary. It is mine. I’m feeling a little proud of that. Buying this home is more than just about possessions. It is a tangible reminder of what I have done and what I can still accomplish. Same with the new car. These seemingly mundane objects will equip me in settling down and sinking my roots in. in all these years of searching, of questioning, I have come to realize I belong here. This is where my life is. This is mine.

Hopefully, when I write again, it will be from the new desk at the new place. I am giving myself a month to decorate and furnish and personalize the place. Of course with a lot of help from my friends. I do need them to install my TV and do the hammerings and what not. In exchange, they are welcome to all the midnight grilled chicken sandwich they want.

Not Your Erotic, Not Your Exotic

2011-02-09T09:19:00.002+08:00

forgive the long lull in writing, things have been unbelievably hectic. what breaks the writing lockdown, you might ask? it is this wonderful, powerful, vibrant poem from Suheir Hammad. thank you, A. for sharing it with me :-)

....

2011-01-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

It's been a whirlwind first month! Everything is happening so fast I barely have time to catch up. Hopefully it will die down soon and things can get back to normal. There's just too many things to process I can hardly keep up. Hopefully by month's end I'd be sane again.

Sent from my iPhone

Just do.

2011-01-19T14:06:00.001+08:00

It’s been a while since I last wrote here. There’s no explanation for it except that life has simply taken me over. I let the new year pass without any real resolutions. I figured I resolve to do way too many things year in and out and I end up never getting to any of them. I realized I live inside my head too much. I do a lot of planning and thinking and dreaming, but I never do enough doing. So for this year, that’s my only resolution: I resolve to DO. No plans, just goals. And just DO.

....

2011-01-17T20:16:00.001+08:00

After all this time planes and fatigues still give me a headache. My heart breaks all over again. I miss you.

Sent from my iPhone

Yum

2011-01-16T13:45:00.002+08:00

This definitely made my Friday night. It's been a frenzied week that ended in my car breaking down and leaving me helpless. Now I have no excuse for not bringing it back to Aris :-(
Sent from my iPhone

....

2010-11-24T12:44:00.002+08:00

i'm off to Hong Kong in a few hours. to send me off, i got this awesome giftbox filled with things that made me squeal with delight. i am so excited to see hong kong through diana's eyes.

and yes, i feel like i want to shoot forever :-)

thanks for this.

....

2010-11-12T09:44:00.000+08:00

I know this is doomed not to last, but damn, you just took my breath away.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my iPhone

2010-11-10T12:14:00.001+08:00

Got a reprieve yesterday. I'm in perfect health. But getting the clearance yesterday reminded me that I have to take precautions. It's a different world now. It's time I walked my talk.

It doesn't mean I'm stopping my adventures. It just means being safe. About time, too.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my iPhone

....

2010-10-19T09:24:00.001+08:00

I love this weather just as much as i love summer. The cool breeze, the slight drizzle, the overcast skies. It all goes so well with my coffee.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my iPhone

....

2010-10-17T00:35:00.001+08:00

It's amazing how good food and good wine shared with people who genuinely love and care for you can restore your balance. I am grateful. Thank You.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my iPhone

Old Skool

2010-10-15T12:08:00.001+08:00

I grew up in greenhills well after its heyday. That doesnt mean i cant appreciate what it was before my time: a land filled with shoulder pads and topsiders amd wayfarers. I wish theres a magic box type mitsubishi lancer to take me back to see all of it. This is how i imagine greenhills must have looked like before my time.

....

2010-10-08T12:28:00.000+08:00

Every time i think of you, i'm reminded of how pathetic you were. Dignity's not optional. It never was.

Pia S. Rieza
- Sent from my Nokia phone.

My Life According to Jack

2010-10-07T09:59:00.002+08:00

Someone sent me this interesting note on Facebook, which tells me to answer questions using only song titles by one artist. of course, it had to be Jack Johnson for me:

Mahalo!

Describe yourself: Fortunate Fool

How do you feel: The Horizon Has Been Defeated

Describe where you currently live: Traffic in the Sky

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: In Between Dreams (i cheated, this is an album title)

Your favourite form of transportation: Cookie Jar

Your best friend is(are): Cupid & Angel

Your fear: Losing Hope

What is the best advice you have to give: Staple It Together

Thought for the Day: Banana Pancakes

How I would like to die: Adrift

My soul's present condition: Better Together

My motto: Dreams be Dreams

i can think of more questions that can be answered by Jack. he's definitely my man.

*Photo taken from Jack's twitpics.

Pinhole Tries

2010-10-06T16:43:00.000+08:00

<3

2010-10-06T07:30:00.000+08:00

Muji, i excitedly await your arrival.

Pia S. Rieza
- Sent from my Nokia phone.

....

2010-10-05T23:40:00.000+08:00

Saying goodbye to my past. It's time to map out the future.

Pia S. Rieza
- Sent from my Nokia phone.

Reminder

2010-09-30T10:09:00.000+08:00

Someone gave me a tiny notepad today. I like getting freebies, especially those that give meaning to things that i do. It's such an innocuous tiny notepad made of faux leather with a plastic pen that is smaller than my tiny eyebrow pencil.

But what makes this notepad special is The Miranda Rights printed at the back. To think it was a police officer who gave this to me. Amidst all the hoopla about the police not giving a damn about people's rights, it's nice to know efforts are being made to remind our police force of the sanctity of human rights.

Unbelievable

2010-09-29T17:16:00.000+08:00

ok, someone please tell me i am not dreaming this. i was going through the city daily photo blogs and i was tickled pink that i would find this, of all places, in Norway!

Tell me that's not aratilis, the sweet, favored fruit of my youth growing on my old street corner. i thought it only existed in Karpa St. apparently, it has a scandinavian cousin!

The photo was taken by Tanty. you can check out other awesome Stavanger photos here.

Totally, Inexplicably Barbaric

2010-09-27T12:29:00.003+08:00

yesterday was supposed to be a celebration. the barristers deserved a big one. but for some reason, the fratmen decided to show their imbecility once again and display their total disregard for sacred human life. i made a promise only yesterday morning that i will try to be pleasant. but the explosion at the Salubong yesterday afternoon deserves a reprinting of what i wrote a couple of years back on frat violence. i realize, of course, that those involved in yesterday's blast were not from UP, i apologize if the entry i wrote seem to point fingers to UP frats. But violence is violence, no matter who the perpetrators are. i was wrong to assume when i was younger that frat violence only pervades UP. it afflicts everyone unfortunate enough to encounter the tragic Greek system. Prof. Te is right, break the Omerta. you're not good looking enough to pull off a Corleone anyway.

Kahayupan
July 25, 2006

For the past couple of weeks the College has been a hotbed for random barbaric acts that can only be described as uncouth. And these were done by no less than the pa-cool men of the greek system. Tangna, yun pang ang tawag sa ibang taong non-greek ay barbarian, ang sya pang pasimuno sa jumbagan at salpukan.

It's so sad to think that these very people are the same ones I would have to face in my field one day. Not because I am intimidated but because I feel they are not worthy of me. Sorry sa lahat ng kaibigan kong fratman, pero tangna din ninyo sa pagkukunsinte ninyo sa lahat ng ito.

Violence never won anything. It never will win anything. And what have you proven from the past rambols and kuyugs but that you feel strong when you are surrounded by your brods. Standing alone, kaya kong pagpipitikin mga betits ninyo.

Galit ako. Galit na galit ako.

It's as if walang silbi yung leksyon sa pagkakamatay ni dennis venturina, who is the brother of a very dear friend of mine, so don't mind me if I take this personally. I have seen what dennis' death has done to his family. I have seen what it continues to do to them. And to make matters worse, dennis' own fraternity perpetuates these senseless violence (as if there ever was any violence that made sense).

And hindi lang frat ni dennis, andyan din ang lahat ng frat sa UP na kala mo ang gagwapo ng miyembro. Oo, narinig mo ko, ang papanget nyong lahat, dahil kung gwapo kayo, manghihinayang kayong makipaggulpihan. Tama si Bobbie, hindi humahaba ang titi nyo ng dahil sa pakikipaggulpihan. If anything, it shows how much you try to compensate for what was probably not given to you. Lagyan mo na lang ng medyas, mas epektib pa.

When I was in undergrad, we were given the impression na cool dudes lang pumapasok ng frat. Tangna, ang laking kalokohan nun. Ang totoong pumapasok sa frat yung buong buhay nyang pinagtatawanan, yung binatuk-batukan nung elementary, yung inihian ang coleman nung high school. Oo, yan ang pumapasok sa frat. Ganid sa dugo, ganid sa paghihiganti sa hindi nakikilalang kaaway.

Tama ka, hindi ako fratman, masyado akong maganda para maging fratman. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun hindi ko nakikita kung gano ka-destructive ang pinag-gagagawa nyo. Ang kapal pa ng mukha nyong akuin lahat ng magagaling bilang brods ninyo. Yung mga taong magagaling, magaling sila dahil sa sarili nila, hindi dahil sa miyembro sila ng pekeng kapatiran.

Baka lang hindi nyo naintindihan ang gusto kong sabihin, uulitin ko lang. mas malaki pa bayag ko sa inyo dahil hindi ako nakikipag gulpihan. Subukan nyong maging TAO, baka sakali pang maibalik ang respeto ko sa inyo.

Sundays

2010-09-26T09:15:00.006+08:00

i love Sundays. i really, truly do. i love waking up on a lazy morning with nothing but good vibes ahead. especially after a cleansing saturday.

i spent yesterday getting organized. or at least as organized as i can be these days. i finally got a closet for my purses. yes, they needed a separate closet. i don't understand how they accumulate so fast, given my penchant for giving them away every couple of months. the same goes for shoes. i "spring clean" fairly often and get rid of tons of shoes every now and then. so imagine my shock when i counted about 230 pairs yesterday. i thought i'd already given away at least half of that end of may this year. hi, my name is Pia and i'm a shopaholic.

then there's the cosmetics. don't get me wrong, i throw out anything that smells funky or has gone beyond the expiration date. but somehow, they still accumulate. i have to stop buying them i guess. i'm running out of counter space.

but more than the cosmetics and the purses and the shoes, i also boxed old items from the ex. yes, i finally succumbed and made my own ex box. gone are the photos of happy times by my bed. the emails have been safely archived from my inbox. the carebear has been sent to the cleaner for a well deserved washing then off to the ex-box it goes. a year in the making. i finally felt ready to let them go. funny how shelving memories from that relationship was harder than burning and erasing anything that reminded me of my recent catastrophe of a pseudo-relationship. the last one left me raw and hurting and wanting to just forget he ever became a part of my life. that was how insignificant i wanted to make him for causing me that much pain. but you of years gone by, you of the unflinching honesty, you of the crazy laughs and ideas. you, who made me realize my worth. it was harder to let that go. as we used to tell each other all the time, Mahal Kita, bitch. i guess a part of me always will.

we have both moved on. a year into the breakup and we find ourselves in different worlds. but it does not matter. we will always be friends. no matter where your jets bring you, i can rest easy knowing i have a friend in you. you've proven that these past few weeks. thank you.

but it's time. today's the perfect day to put everything behind me and face my present. i have wonderful memories because of you. for that i will always be grateful. i just need to put them a little bit farther from my bedside table.

Inventive

2010-09-23T12:13:00.001+08:00

I love this movie poster!

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-23T10:37:00.000+08:00

It was a sort of wake up call. My best friend told me it was time to change my blog. I understand the sentiment given that most of my posts had been extremely depressing. That’s my fault since I have been writing mostly to give vent to my frustrations and anger and hurt. But she’s right. My life is not summed up by the fuckwads I’ve encountered. There is more to life than heartbreak. And although I find it easier to write when my heart breaks, there are other things to write about.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to get back what’s mine, I just don’t think I need to pollute this blog with my tirades anymore. Or at least I will try not to. It still rankles. I still cry at the injustice done. I’m still indignant at his hypocrisy. But moving on means accepting my own anger and dealing with it. I need to suck it up. And leave my footprint on his face. I kid, I kid.

So yes, that’s a resolution I’m keeping. I will try to write about the other things going on in my life and my surroundings. But I am not letting go just yet. Only because you need to give back what you took. That, however, does not mean you will forever mar my life. I have more going for me. I am finally moving towards indifference, I guess. Once you pay me back.

Healing

2010-09-23T08:54:00.000+08:00

Deniece Williams

i absolutely love this song. it gives me hope.

Little Wing cover

2010-09-22T06:41:00.001+08:00

just a little video from my very good friend, ace. atty. rockstar ampu!

Happiness...

2010-09-21T11:14:00.000+08:00

...lies in small gifts from Palawan! thank you :-)

New Day

2010-09-21T07:24:00.004+08:00

New Day, fresh start. Nothing stands in my way.

The past few weeks have reinforced what i stand for, what i am willing to look over, what hurts me and what i will not stand for. In the end, it is truth that will save me. Truth and love.

The cowardice and vileness of what you did will not keep me down. It taught me a lesson, a rather expensive one, but it taught me to protect my heart. Yes, from people exactly like you.

I am still angry, i still shake my head in disbelief every time i see you profess love. You know nothing of it. Love is never selfish. Love never lies. Love is not something you can keep in the dark in order to get by.

Don't get me wrong, you can be with whoever you want to be with. You, after all, deserve love as well. But you have to man up and right the wrongs you committed. You need to make amends. You need to return what you got in such a despicable manner that it outweighs whatever good is still left in you.

You made me feel cheap. In all my adventures and tiny stories, you were the only one to ever make me feel cheap. Because none of them used me. None of them was make believe.

At some point these tirades will end. I will run out of words. I will be indifferent to you. But i beg you, make it quicker. I still have not heard of any plan of action from you on how to right your wrong. Payback's a bitch, they say. I'm already letting you off easy.

New day, fresh start. Soon i will forget. Soon it will be a distant memory. Soon.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Easy Sunday

2010-09-20T10:40:00.002+08:00

Never take anything for granted. I'm grateful for this little sanctuary in my home. Thank You.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-16T14:21:00.002+08:00

Each day brings a new flavor. Hurt, anger, sadness, relief, disbelief, shock. Try as i might to let it go and understand your circumstances, it still does not justify the hurt over the deception, not just because of the girl, but the entire sob story you concocted to get what you want. Compassion, you say, makes life more tolerable. Did you ever feel that when you fed me your lies? Where was your compassion then?

Everyday is a struggle. I try to find balance everyday. I fight the urge to get angry all day. But the thought of what you did rankles. It was all a lie. The fight with your mum, the mugging, every other misfortune you came up with to make my heart bleed and take advantage. I ask, again, where was your compassion then?

It wasn't just selfish. It was cruel. I did not ask for this. I did not ask for you. Why would you deliberately hurt anyone? why would you con them, feed them an entirely made up world full of your woes so you can get by? Did you ever stop and think how I got by? And how many other women were there? That does not sound like compassion to me.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am bitter. Because i know now i did not deserve this. This entire thing makes you as vile as the common conman. Live, love, learn i always say. I didnt realize you'd take that as license to use me.

I know i said i forgive you. But i also said it was not mine to give. I now understand why it was not mine to give. Because i'm not ready just yet. Because i still cannot forget. Because i am still hurting. Because i am still seeking atonement.

Peace and balance. I wish for it. I long for it. Soon hopefully. Because i cannot go on like this.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-16T13:31:00.000+08:00

God, please help me breathe easy. Clear my head. Please help me rebuild. Thank You.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-16T10:49:00.000+08:00

Nothing tastes better than a little calm with my coffee.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-15T21:37:00.000+08:00

Please let me forget. Please.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-15T07:20:00.000+08:00

i can't wait for the time when i wont dread waking up in the morning anymore...

Boundaries

2010-09-14T12:33:00.002+08:00

"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives."

- Robert Burneya

Thank You

2010-09-14T06:55:00.000+08:00

For friends who ensure my recovery. Who stop at nothing to get me back on my feet. Who constantly tell me it was not my fault. Thank You.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-13T14:35:00.000+08:00

At least for now i can still be the self righteous bitch i wish i sometimes am.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Gratitude

2010-09-13T08:10:00.000+08:00

i know i usually do this post on thanksgiving, but in light of recent events, i am taking stock. a little gratitude goes a long way.

i am grateful for:

1. a family who loves me and wants nothing but good things for me.

2. a good camera that captures what words fail to describe.

3. a haven in the city where no one knows me and the last soul was buried a few decades back.

4. a few dear dear friends who are there to grieve with me and then kick me in the ass to get me back up.

5. a tattoo to remind me to live. love. learn.

6. my God who is my only saving grace.

7. the opportunity to smile again when it comes.

8. hot pink runners to take me far far away from here.

9. a few hours of sunshine to lift my spirits up.

10. the chance to start over.

thank you. i still have so much in life and in love. i am grateful.

Wise Words from a Very Wise Friend

2010-09-13T07:34:00.001+08:00

"there's a difference between tripping and being set up to trip," you said, taking a drag from your morning cigarette. "tama na, think of yourself for once. you have to rebuild. if you could get back up from the brink of death before, you can surely get up again from this."

"go back to your life before all of this. try to remember what you were doing before all of him happened to you. you weren't like this when you got back from korea. this isn't you, anymore."

you're right, my friend. i need to rebuild. it's so easy to get pulled under. nothing feels real. but you're right. it's time to take stock of the damage, pick up the pieces and rebuild. i am nothing if not resilient.

Each Tear

2010-09-13T06:28:00.002+08:00

Mary J. Blige feat. Rea Garvey

There's something that I want to say,
But I feel I don't know how.
Until I just can't hold it one more day,
So I think I'll let it out.

You're on my mind more than I may show
You're in my heart more than you may know
And the last thing that I want,
Is for you to fall apart.
Your future will be clearer,
I want you to remember.

In each tear
there's a lesson,
Makes you wiser than before
Makes you stronger than you know
In each tear
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be

We can't change the things,
That we've done, that's in our past.
But fighting won't get us anywhere,
So if you want, then here's my hand

Every night there's one thing I do
I bow my head and I pray for you
And the last thing that I want
Is for you to fall apart
your future will be clearer
I want you to remember

In each tear
there's a lesson,
Makes you wiser than before
Makes you stronger than you know
In each tear
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be

You're much more than the struggles that you go through
You're not defined by your pain, so let it go
You're not a victim, you're more like a winner
And you're not in defeat, you're more like a queen

No we can't be held down
No I can't be held down
You can't be held down
We can't be held down

....

2010-09-13T05:44:00.000+08:00

I'm entitled to a little bit of anger.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Absolution

2010-09-12T07:16:00.002+08:00

it is not mine to give, i know, but yesterday, i did the next best thing. i offered a hand in friendship. after all the hurt and heartbreak, i told you i hoped we can be friends. i was crying as i told you that. i have not stopped crying since thursday night, it seems. sleep still eludes me. i still wince every time i remember. i stll hurt. i still reel from all of it. i still feel wronged. but i am seeking to understand why this would happen, a bit selfishly, but of all people, to me.

you're not heartless. what you did was beyond abhorrent, but you are not heartless. i still have trouble reconciling what i know of you with the horrible things you did. trust me, it would be so much easier to just hate you and tell you to go fuck yourself. but i cannot. even through this pain, all i can pray for is that He take all your troubles away. please make him whole. please let him know real love. please give him a break.

i don't think you remember, but when we first met, i told you i was trying to get over another heartbreak. you offered to help me get through it. i was so grateful that someone, a stranger, really, would take the time out to help me. then i got to know you and i fell. or at least i thought i knew you. which is why this hurts so much more. not only do i feel betrayed by all the lies and deceit, i feel betrayed that you would put me through all of this again, knowing what i have already been through. all those times i told you how it broke me when i found out he cheated on me, that he lied to me, was that real sympathy you showed then or were you just trying to find a way to make sure i never found out you were doing the exact same thing?

i am shattered, there is no point in denying it. i have forgotten how to start over. i did not think i would have to. but i know offering you friendship after all that has happened has a purpose, whether to assuage your (hopefully) guilt or to get rid of this building bitterness in me, it has a reason.

the real challenge for me is not to completely lose my faith in love. everything i believe in, everything i hold dear to me is being sorely tested right now. there has to be a lesson here somewhere.

i know there is no chance you would read this, but i forgive you. no ifs, no buts, i forgive you. i wish you love. i wish you all the good things you surely deserve because you do deserve them, in spite of your circumstances. as for me, all i want is to stop hurting. that's all i could hope for right now. maybe that is enough.

Lessons in Loving:

2010-09-11T18:52:00.008+08:00

thank you for this photo.

1. i am not invincible and my heart breaks, too.

2. instincts are a funny thing-- they threaten to kill you with a nagging sense of foreboding before ultimately becoming your saving grace.

3. i still choose the truth, no matter how painful.

4. facing your fear brings new clarity.

5. a lie is a lie, no matter how comforting.

6. there's no room for judgment, only acceptance.

7. it's difficult to forgive but it is harder to hold a grudge.

8. happiness is not easy to find, especially if you look for it in others.

9. ultimately, you want a good person, not just a person who is good to you.

10. you cannot love and withhold forgiveness at the same time.

11. forgiveness does not mean weakness.

12. it does not mean you will tolerate further bullshit either.

13. letting go is a lifelong lesson.

14. trust is not built in a series of 140 characters.

15. people will disappoint, no matter what. it's the human thing to do.

16. real friends get angry for you when you no longer have the ability to do so.

17. diving in heart first is not always wise, but it is always true.

18. deception has no place in love.

19. moving away from bitterness is a conscious choice.

20. in the end, there is only love.

The Heart of the Matter

2010-09-11T18:16:00.000+08:00

India Arie

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you, cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore

....

2010-09-11T10:16:00.001+08:00

i cant stop hurting. i cant forget. i drug myself to sleep hoping it could wipe out everything. im back there once again. at that place you said you can help me get out of. that was my mistake. i believed you. i believed the good in you. you tell me when you show concern, when you show support, thats who you really are. how can i believe that when everything else has been a lie? from the get go you planned it to be such. my protestations of nothing but truth even if it cripples me fell on deaf ears. i just wish i can forget.

love's not a commodity. you don't offer it in hopes of getting a good price for it. if you're really a good person like you say you are, you don't play with people's emotions, manipulate them to suit your needs, turn a blind eye to their suffering.

there's no excuse for what you did. there was absolutely no need for the deception. because i still would have understood if you told me the truth. i still would have helped.

maybe you thrive in making people unhappy. you've made a living of it after all. and the worst part of this terrible ordeal is i cannot even muster enough guts to be mad at you. i still believe deep in my heart you are a good person. that's how good of a liar you are. after everything i still cannot bring myself to hate you.

deliverance. at this point, that's all i am hoping for. that at some point i can put all of this behind me. what can you do to put my heart back together, you ask? i don't know. i just wish it'll stop hurting.

....

2010-09-11T04:34:00.000+08:00

Maybe i should change it to Live. Love. Lose...

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-10T15:02:00.001+08:00

Please tell me i'll be ok..

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-10T15:02:00.000+08:00

Please tell me i'll be ok..

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-10T09:06:00.000+08:00

What kills me most is i'm already missing you.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-10T08:23:00.000+08:00

You took everything without so much as a second thought. With no regard for my feelings. I had a feeling something was amiss right off the bat but my stupid unreliable heart went ahead and fell for you.

No bullshit, i told you. Right from the start. You finally took heed just to break my heart.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-10T08:01:00.000+08:00

None of it was real. Not your sweet words, not your deeds. I didn't ask for this. You took one look at my vulnerability and took advantage.

I just wish it were easier to hate you.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-09T11:31:00.000+08:00

Maramdaman mo kaya kung mawala ako?

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Overhaul

2010-09-08T06:15:00.000+08:00

I'm due for one. I can no longer put off the major changes that need to be made. Excited? A little bit. Scared? Absofuckinglutely.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Sure Looks Good to Me

2010-09-06T08:32:00.000+08:00

Alicia Keys

Life is cheap, bittersweet
But it taste good to me

Take my turn, crash and burn
That's how it's supposed to be

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

Time passed by and leaves you behind
Take it naturally

Heaven knows
There’s so much more
More than what we see

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
Sure looks good to me

Deep in my mind
I'm secure we can buy
I wanna see the light
before I die or I lie in an empty space,

The darkness comes and I’ve been telling my soul
And me and myself we turn around, we’re getting old,

But the lightning crashing, foolish emotions
From the bruises and the beauty in this moment that we’re feeling,

And I feel like I’m seeing the world inside of me
But I can tell you that I know, it's getting easier to breathe,

There’s a cold in the morning, endless equation
Of who’ve we've become, it’s a complex situation

So live, love, life give love
Live, love, life, give love
Live, love, life, give love
Who are we anyway

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

It sure looks good to me
Sure looks good to me.

....

2010-09-06T07:33:00.001+08:00

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes around in another form. - Rumi

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-06T06:32:00.000+08:00

Haven't i been punished enough?

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-04T23:56:00.001+08:00

The price for honesty has never been so high.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-04T17:56:00.000+08:00

I'm just trying to be tough. But truth be told i just want to curl up and cry my eyes out. And what's crazy is i know the only thing that will ease this ache is to feel your hand in mine.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-09-04T16:41:00.000+08:00

Nothing like the sea when your heart breaks.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

....

2010-08-29T12:39:00.002+08:00

Call me backward but i miss getting love letters. Nothing warms my heart more than a few sincere words of love.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

“Take a step back and reevaluate”,

2010-08-29T10:09:00.003+08:00

I was told amidst the calming aura of an alcohol-induced haze. Of course you are right. Of course my rational mind has told me the same thing countless of times. Why, then, does my heart refuse to listen? Why does it stubbornly say otherwise? Is it lying to me? Is it deceiving me into thinking things could take a turn for the better? “But that’s just it, there is deceit in the heart of all of it”, you reply. I pay you no attention and reach for my fifth beer instead. What do you know? You’re not in my shoes. You don’t see the things I do. “that’s true, but I do see things you refuse to see, even if it’s already staring you in the face.” Then there’s that phrase that would forever mar my weekend: “there are just some people who cannot be saved, Pi”.

There it was, as clear as day. What you diagnosed after a few beers was my ailment, it took me forever to digest. I tried to rationalize that I was not trying to be the hero. But I could not shake your almost exasperated voice as you reminded me it was not my place to offer a better option. And all the clanging bells went off. Ding ding ding, you hit the jackpot, my friend.

I still refuse to believe I have a messiah complex. I sure don’t like the sound of that. But is it really so wrong to extend a helping hand? Is it wrong to try and fix things beyond the call of duty? And is that really what I have been doing? I guess you would know, having worked with me in that other case that had us at our wits end trying to stage a rescue. But is it really such a bad thing?

In the end you told me I needed to set boundaries. Perhaps in time I will take your words to heart and do just that. In the meantime, know that I am grateful you care enough to get me drunk and attempt to knock some sense into me with the beer bottle.

....

2010-08-26T13:50:00.000+08:00

Currently at a hotel that brings back so many conflicing memories. Its amazing how years can dull even the most earth shattering of revelations. I remember being so young, so trusting. I was ever so ready to believe that people are good. It seems like such a long time ago. Nothing has broken me yet.

I miss those innocent times. When it was easier to accept people at face value. Now, everyone has an agenda it seems. It's only a matter of time before the big reveal.

Cynical, you say? Perhaps. It all started in this hotel.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Pay it Forward

2010-08-25T10:50:00.003+08:00

At a time when we seem to be surrounded by so much negativity, i was reminded last night of the brilliance of paying it forward. Despite the dismal events of the past few days, there are those who, in their own ways, reaffirm the positive in the universe. Once again i am humbled by love.

Our world is made up of more than just violence and ignorance and a myriad of iniquities. It was amazing to witness testaments of positivity. I have been asking that i be shown the real meaning of giving. It smacked me right on the head last night and i am still reeling. it absolutely rocked my world.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

all in a moment

2010-08-23T07:12:00.008+08:00

memories come at the most inopportune of times. it may be triggered by a song blaring loud from the car stereo, or the quality of blue the sky takes on as you drive through the countryside. it often comes at a time when you least expect it, at times that leave you incredulously asking "why now? this instance is in no way connected to you." but there you are, making your way north, hours away from the city, with the song slowly fading out and the scenery before you becoming a hazy blur as you remember the scent of his skin, the touch of his hand, the smile he left on your face when he jumped into the pool.

the difference this time is it no longer hurts as much. you no longer double in pain, with tears streaming down your cheeks. there is still a quiet thud as his name enters your head, but it is no longer crippling. you've gotten used to his absence. you no longer yearn to reach out and close your hand around his heart. you could even bring yourself to smile this time, as you remember his crazy antics. and the best part is he is becoming a welcome blur, no different from all the memories of your past. he no longer leaps out distinctively from the tapestry in your head. you are finally healing.

slowly the song from the car stereo fades in again. the fields blurring past the car window take shape again. you are reeled right back into the present just in time to hear the next crack and join in on the laughter. yes, you laugh again. you close your eyes and take a deep, cleansing breath. life feels good at the moment. you're free.

In the end, there is only love.

2010-08-19T10:43:00.004+08:00

i went to a friend's father's wake last night to find my friend faithfully keeping vigil. he said he's been by his dad's side since he slipped into coma after a massive heart attack. my friend told me he was keeping vigil as a way of making amends for not spending time with his father because of work. as he spoke, i could hear the regret and guilt in his voice.

from my friend's stories, his father was a great man, a great community organizer who worked tirelessly to bring about genuine social change. and as my friend's sister recounted, it was this tireless work that kept their father away from them when growing up. i know from experience that anything that kept a parent away is enough to cause bitterness in a child's heart. but i saw none of that last night.

as my friend kept vigil, i was struck once again that in the end, there really is only love. it was love that moved my friend to stay by his father's side at the hospital when he slipped into coma and it was love that had him staying at the wake day in and out. i was deeply humbled by it. what i witnessed yesterday is testament to real love.

Dinner

2010-08-14T20:12:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since i had dinner with my family at home. I've missed it. We've been so involved in our own lives that it's rare for us to all sit down for dinner these days. The fare was fairly simple. Chicken afritada and ice cream sticks for dessert. But it didnt matter. It was fun. As uncool as it sounds, i've missed our dinner talk. I love catching up with them. My little brother's been promoted to AVP. Yay to him. I couldn't be prouder. He's going places i'm sure of it.

Hopefully there would be more dinners like this. It's nice to get out of my head from time to time.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Back in Time

2010-08-04T21:18:00.010+08:00

Public Enemies on HBO... One of two movies that not only bring me back in time but also bring me back to you. I have always been adamant about replacing memories so i could move on, but somehow, one or two slip through the cracks and reel me back in.

In time. I know in time dillinger would cease to hold meaning for me. The same way tarantino would return to being just a movie maverick to me. When that time comes, i know you would no longer have a hold on me and i can finally relax in movies again.

Break

2010-08-04T10:31:00.000+08:00

at some point this melancholia will have to break. it must break.

....

2010-08-02T12:41:00.003+08:00

It’s been a trying weekend. I confronted things I have long buried. Issues that I never thought about because I crumble at their mere suggestion.

Over the weekend I realized I am a work in progress. My journey has not stopped. It made me realize there are still a lot of things to conquer before I can say I have come out of all of this unscathed. It also made me realize I am not as strong as I like to think I am.

But the vulnerability is not entirely a bad thing. It’s just painful.

There are certain things we hide from everyone else. Little secrets we keep to ourselves maybe because they’re embarrassing or weird or too painful to even fathom. Sometimes we lose track of why we keep these things hidden from everyone else and even convince ourselves that they did not happen or that they hardly made a dent on the impenetrable façade you have forged. But over time, as we accumulate more and more of these non-events, they start to slip through the cracks and you are left with no other recourse but complete and utter surrender. That’s exactly what happened to me over the weekend. Complete and utter surrender to years’ worth of emotions and thoughts and memories I thought I have long given up. Something is still broken. I don’t know what, I don’t know how it broke and I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. I have never felt so powerless. I have never felt so lost.

No one said it will be easy, but I never thought it would bring me down to my knees and reduce me to begging for release.

Maybe it will come. Maybe one day I’d be able to let go. Maybe one day I’d get the clarity I wish for. And the rest. God knows I’m tired. Maybe it will all fade away one day. After all, I’ve always been told it all gets better with time. Well, I’m still waiting.

....

2010-07-31T10:36:00.000+08:00

We each have our own daemons. I just didnt realise i had to get rid of yours, too.

Break Your Heart

2010-07-26T06:39:00.002+08:00

Natalie Merchant

Oh, people downcast in despair see the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder everyday

People struggle people fight for the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow
Self absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
When I, me, mine, is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless
People cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred
Full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Yeah, I know that it will hurt
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart the way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
You know a little love survives

Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's going to choose your side
Oh, no …
Oh, no …
Oh, no …
Oh, no …
No, no, no, no …
Oh, no …

the big 3-0

2010-07-23T09:06:00.005+08:00

thirty. Some sort of milestone ain’t it? in two days I turn thirty. It’s that time of year again when I am wracked with thoughts of accomplishments, of endings, of beginnings. Of love. Of life. Of lessons. Thirty years. I like to think I have something to show for it. a couple of feats that could help me lean back and say to myself, you did me proud, Pia. Thirty. I don’t think I can get away with the dirty sneaks or the nail polished cellphones anymore. But it sure won’t stop me from painting them in my head.

Every year on my birthday, I like to think I’ve grown a little bit wiser. I may have had my heart broken but I like to think I am resilient enough to bounce back without rancor or bitterness. I also like to think I am a little bit closer to becoming the best person I can be, as self-help as that sounds. I like to think I have not set out to deliberately cause pain to anyone. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve also enriched someone’s life even if for just a tiny tiny bit.

Live. Love. Learn. I believe this so much I had it etched on me. in the past thrity years, I have lived loved and learned. They may not have all been happy and glorious times, but I will not trade them for anything in the world. They make me who I am today. A little bit roughened, a little bit sadder, all the more wiser. So yes, I am grateful for the thirty years and can only hope for thirty more!

something's coming

2010-07-18T08:05:00.001+08:00

the dread is palpable. a storm is brewing and i am powerless before its might. the sense of not knowing what is to come is debilitating. this is something beyond my control. this is something i cannot predict and all i can do is wince against its impact for its certain to find me buried among the debris. it is infinitely more than the human heart is made to handle. it is not built for such senseless repeated maelstroms.

African Girl

2010-07-13T13:29:00.001+08:00

Nayo Abidoye

Sitting at home with your woman gone
Everyday you hear the same song
She's out late and never makes time for you
Same place but you're worlds apart
Same dreams you both once had
What you live is a life that's so empty

And when she's back she wants to relax
She lays the rules, no questions asked
It doesn't bother her what you do
And when she finally comes around
Its all about why is this, why is that
tell me how long can you pull through

She can't love you like I can
She can't make you feel like the man
That you are its time you took a look at you
She will never treat you right
It doesn't make no sense to hold tight
What you need is this African Girl

She loves you but never has the time
Yeah she cares but is she ever there
Its tough love I don't really think so
You speak its hard for her to listen
What you need she doesn't understand
She could never give you what you want

And when you're out she's wandered again
You spend the night trying to locate your woman
Is she really yours
You say its hard to start again
Its even worse to keep hanging in
Baby you deserve much better

Who knows what you long for
Who knows what you need
Who knows how to love you
And be your everything
I can be your everything

Wrong Move

2010-07-13T11:44:00.003+08:00

Should have stuck to my tall americano instead of going grande... my usual morning caffeine buzz has now turned into a full fledged sense of foreboding...

Whoa

2010-07-10T13:52:00.001+08:00

it was a long time coming but i'm sure glad i did it. not only did i soak up some sun and acquired new brown spots on my skin, but i apparently also acquired some red, yellow and dark green stains... in the shape of a black hole and cherry blossoms all around. yes, my friends, i finally turned sixteen again and got myself a tattoo. still not done though, i'm still thinking of a couple of things to put in, but basically, i am loving this new brand. it's liberating. and it never fails to put a silly little smile on my face whenever i catch a glimpse of it. of course i havent told my mum and dad. i may smile everytime i get a glimpse of it but i sure don't want to give them a heart attack! so shhhh everyone. i'm making all of you a party to this pre-mid life crisis adventure!

And i'm out

2010-07-04T08:49:00.000+08:00

Catching me some much deserved sun.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Phantom

2010-07-02T09:39:00.005+08:00

There is someone who reads this blog almost everyday. i don't know who s/he is, i don't know if i know him/her. i just know him by the random numbers of his IP address and that he's from the vicinity of the one city i could never be in. it could be anyone, really. it could be an old friend. a part of me though is almost certain it is a ghost from my previous world, someone who'd rather stay hidden from me.

i wonder if he logs on to check for updates, for news about what has been happening with me. i wonder if his eyes light up at each and every new entry i make, and if he secretly hides his disappointment when i fail to write. i wonder if he feels closer to me through the rubbish i write, or if he, too, feels it's all too late for mending fences. i wonder if he feels an ever growing despair that our lives have grown distantly apart, with no hopes of ever crossing paths again.

yes, i'm almost certain this phantom is you, my friend. and yes, i, too, wonder about the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. i wonder about the hut in palawan with you catching fish and me selling coconuts. i wonder about the rhythmic crash of the waves as we fall asleep in our hammock. those were nice dreams indeed. and for two people who have never been to palawan, it was the perfect idyll. we did jack johnson proud with those dreams, my friend.

so this post is for you. the twists and turns of our lives take us farther from each other. enjoy your welsh castles. may they bring you peace and love and all that we never could have together. and from time to time, i will write tidbits from my end of the world. who knows, maybe i will make it to palawan one day. and when i do, i will tell you all about it here.

rest easy now, my friend. i understand the anonymity. you're still hidden and now we both know better than to seek each other anymore.

.......

2010-06-30T10:11:00.000+08:00

Trust is an illusion

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone

Turn Your Love

2010-06-25T09:45:00.002+08:00

-Jack Johnson

I don’t want you to go
I don’t want you to go
But it’s time to turn your love, give it back
It’s time to turn your love, give it back
Give it back
Give it back
I don’t want you to know
Let’s not go to sleep tonight
It’s not that it goes too fast
It’s just that goes at all
Then it’s time to turn your love, give it back
It’s time to turn your love, give it back
It’s time to turn your love, give it back
Give it back, give it back, give it back
Give it back
Give it back
Why should I be sad when I’m just you
Why should I be sad baby I’m with you
Why should I be sad when Im just you
Why should I be sad baby I’m with,
Baby I’m with you
Baby I’m with you
It’s time to turn your love, give it back
It´s time to turn your love, give it back
It´s time to turn your love, give it back
Give it back, give it back, give it back
Give it back
Give it back, give it back, give it back

enough said.

...

2010-06-21T18:06:00.002+08:00

Get me out of here... please

.....

2010-06-11T11:42:00.000+08:00

i do have a limit.

Wicked

2010-06-09T17:48:00.001+08:00

and not in the good sense. it's just one of those days when nothing goes right, when it friggin feels like no one's on my side. and the absolute worst part is i feel so helpless about changing the course of my day. well, not much i can do now except to suck it up, hole up and get hammered. yep, a different spin on me-time. maybe when i wake from the impending hangover, i can scratch this day off my calendar. see ya.

Blech

2010-06-07T10:45:00.012+08:00

i know i spoke of cleansing last time but this is getting ridiculous. i have been hurling nonstop since yesterday morning. what i thought would be a harmless breakfast turned into a nightmare. i don't know what i got sick from but it has been horrible. i have thrown up maybe eight times since i couldn't keep half my breakfast down yesterday and there is still the urge to hurl today.

this is extremely horrible, especially for the girl who'd rather suffer the world's worst hangover than throw up after drinking. but the upside is instant three pounds off. not to make fun of the horrible eating disorders, but i gotta at least see the positive in all this. seriously though, i hate being sick. so unpretty and gross. ok, enough of this rant, the wastebin beckons.

* photo courtesy of http://schoolnet.gov.mt/eatingdisorders/Bulimia.html

Cleansing

2010-06-03T11:43:00.004+08:00

i absolutely love the rain. don't get me wrong, i adore the sun just as much as the next tropical girl, but there is something about the rain that not only calms me, but also evokes a sense of cleansing in me.

i was raised a "good" girl. it was against this good that i constantly rebelled, not to cause headaches but really more to see how much i could bend my reality. i am a proper little lady but i am also rather good at being bad-- well bad as others may describe it. but really, what others would consider as borderline bad is really just a way for me to continually test the waters, expand all experiences and explore the very parameters of my mind. i thrive on the sensual-- in all its connotations,sexual and otherwise. i live for everything that can be absorbed by my spirit through my body. and yes, it does involve pain from time to time.

ultimately this fascination with the sensuous leads to a conflict with my own set of morals. i am by no means religious. but i do know my God. everything that i go through, i attribute to Him, and yes, i believe He does have a goal in mind for me. i also believe in doing good by everyone and helping until it hurts not because this is what my Church teaches, but simply because deep in my heart, this is what i feel everybody deserves.

the Church. i was never brought up to be the stereotypical Catholic. i never thought i could be that girl, except maybe in a well-choreographed roleplay. there are too many teachings of the Church that i cannot abide by simply because it defies both logic and my innate sense of justice and fairplay. ahhh, the Church and its blind ways.

this is not to say, however, that i have not felt guilt after all my adventures and experiments. i was brought up to think excesses were bad. of course, no one bothered to quantify what was meant to be excessive. without those prarameters, it was easy to fall into the trap of thinking anything that felt good was excessive. given my penchant for the extreme, moderation and balance are nearly alien concepts to me. so yes, even the moderate could become extremely excessive to me, simply because i dont know better. it is this sense of always being excessive that evokes this eternal sense of guilt that pervades my mind.

religion is fraught with images of water washing away sin. this appeals to the dramatic in me. the image of rain falling to cleanse, to wash away, gives me a sense of absolution and calm. i need that almost-tangible image to rid me of my intangible guilt.

so yes, i love the rain. it gives me that chance to close my eyes and breathe, to imagine a hand on my head saying, i forgive you. forgive me exactly for what, i have still to understand.

*image from http://mallorcadiary.blogspot.com/

Portrait: a Study

2010-06-01T10:20:00.002+08:00

one of my closest friends, Tin, slept over the other night. all the white choco mochas in the world could not wake her enough to make the drive back to paranaque. just as well, too, i have not seen her in ages. and it gave me a chance to play with my cam. hahahahahaha thanks for letting me post them mare!

let the sun in!

2010-05-29T11:01:00.004+08:00

lovely lovely weather! granted i had a hard time going home last night, what with being rained on when i can feel the onslaught of a cold, but waking up today to a slight breeze and a happy sun is doing wonders to lift my spirits. that and the promise that my car will be resuscitated today. can't believe how dependent i am on that heap of scrap metal. i guess i better start showing it some love, too.

it's been a roller coaster week for me. the push and pull of ghosts from the past (and some eerie spirits from the present, too!) has got me feeling more spent than i should be. but the same resilience i was cursing at the start of the week is proving to be my saving grace. i was a big ball of negativity the entire week. i was cautioned to look after myself, to guard my heart from further breaking. but in trying to be cautious, i was slowly losing energy. it was as if tiptoeing around my heart was turning me into this unfeeling android-- i may have warded of heartbreaks, but i have also blocked out all the good there was to experience in the process.

i am no longer the negative person i once was in my angst ridden teenage years. that girl has grown up. true i get frustrated and angry and bitter at times, but i don't want that to be the default. there's is more to life than bitter disappointments. call me crazy, call me stupid, but i'm willing to throw myself before the trainwreck all over again if it means being able to feel alive once more.

so yeah, i'm putting the sourpuss behind and facing the road head-on. you're right on one thing, though. i do need a break. i just might take your suggestion and head off to my favorite place, with no ghosts in tow this time. whatever it brings, i'm sure it can only be for the good. bring it on, Destiny, i'm ready for you this time.

.....

2010-05-25T17:04:00.000+08:00

So the world descends upon me. No matter how hard I try to keep it at bay, they keep coming in unrelenting waves. In my naïve ambivalence, I thought I was immune. Imbecile. I should have known better. What happened to the promises earlier this year? I was so foolish. I was so arrogant. I thought I was invincible. Now, I cower at my own vulnerability. I am drowning. With arms flailing, I reach out from this pool of self-pity only to realize there is no one there. Sleep. I dream of sleep. I long for the time when my bed would welcome me once more in its warm, comfortable embrace. God, I’m tired.

Amplified

2010-05-25T15:33:00.002+08:00

I laugh louder, I cry longer. That’s just me. Everything is amplified. But just as well, I also love harder.

Crappage

2010-05-24T08:12:00.001+08:00

Over the weekend I was reminded once again of a hard lesson I should have learned years ago. I cannot rely on other people to make me happy. It only leads to disappointment. I hate sounding negative but I keep wondering if I have been so broken that I have lost my faith in people to meet my expectations. Either that or through the years, my expectations have risen through the roof and I have become impossible. Have I become selfish? Do I focus too much on what would make me happy instead of thinking of what I can do for other people? I should have never started thinking and stuck to my reality shows. Now in addition to my sleepless night, my whole week is marred by thoughts of inadequacies and disappointments and feelings of dissatisfaction, mostly with myself. You can’t get more fucked up than this.

It’s a bad way to start the week, that’s for sure. I need something to turn my Monday around or else it’s hello bitchville until Friday. Funny, but there’s that reliance again. The universe doesn’t owe me crap, I know that. Somehow I just thought that a little faith in people was all I needed. Fuggin resilient heart keeps thinking people aren’t meant to disappoint. What a load of crap this Monday morning. I have been plenty let down and it’s my own fault for putting my faith on the good in people. We all have our own agenda. It shouldn’t surprise me anymore. I just wish it didn’t make me ache so much.

Manila Fisheyes

2010-05-21T13:00:00.001+08:00

i took my new camera with me and explored familiar territory. intramuros never fails to bring a sense of calm in my otherwise usually overloaded brain. i don't know know exactly if it is the walk or the heat or the eerie quiet that calms me, but being within these walls never fails to restore some semblance of balance in me.

.....

2010-05-21T09:15:00.007+08:00

Dear you,

The dream did not work out. It wasn’t meant to happen. No matter how much we wished for it, the universe is telling us otherwise. Maybe we should listen. This is for the best. You have to let me go, too. I cannot be your fallback forever. I am through wishing, hoping, waiting for things to turn around. I have to do the turning. It may take me further away from you, it may lead me to totally new territory. But I have to trust that I will get better. I am terrified, God knows I am shaking with fear. You were—still are, comforting. You will always be. But we have to loosen our grasp. Help me let you go. I’m still defying gravity, only this time, it is taking me in another direction.

This isn’t goodbye, you know that. No matter where you end up, you know you have a friend in the tropics with your favorite buko juice in hand. but that’s about the only string remaining. I’m still here for your stories, without the emotions. I look back with fondness, definitely, but that’s just it. I look back. There is no present, no looking forward anymore. It was a wild wild dream, but now, I am looking forward to forging new memories without you. Maybe one day, you’d be prepared to hear my stories, too.

Until then,

Pia

Venting

2010-05-20T09:13:00.000+08:00

Its been a bad morning. Lack of sleep, cranky car and almost missing my morning lecture is enough to make anyone retreat and just turn back home. But of all the awful things i had to deal with this morning, the worst was dealing with a rude person early in my morning.

I have my faults, i know. But i also know i try to be pleasant. I take the time out to be nice to people, not to be plastic but because its just how it should be. I treat people with pleasantries and i expect the same respect in return. We have enough assholes out there, i don't really need them in my world do i?

Nothing wounds my heart more than insensitive words and flippant gestures. I dont deal with coldness. I dont think i should have to. Some people are just so fucking rude.

Ok, enough venting, i don't want to turn into them. Time to see the good in people again.

-Pia S. Rieza
Sent from my Nokia phone